Avoid a Mid-Life Crisis and Conquer Fear of Failure at the Same Time!

Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash

In the past, I always considered myself strategic, resourceful, and a grinder. When things came along that threatened the status quo; I would work like crazy to outwit the threat.

Even if there were a potential upside, most often, I'd still make the "safe play" and congratulate myself for it. Looking back, I did take some risks, but they were always highly calculated, with the upside greatly outweighing and mitigating the downside.

About two years ago, probably due to a mid-life crisis, or, at the very least, a mid-life analysis, I started to wonder why my life wasn't more exciting. Nearing the age of fifty, I haven't accomplished or experienced as much as I'd hoped for, and it was becoming evident my time horizon was shrinking.

I'm not strictly referring to my career, but life in general. Sure, I've done many interesting things, travelled a lot of places, and had many great experiences. I have been very fortunate in comparison to many people on this globe – no question. But, on the other hand, there are more paths to go down and stones to turn over.

Upon reflection and deep introspection, I realized I had steadily grown more comfortable over the past twenty years and no longer had the same drive and spark. I was content making the same career choices and relying on the same decision-making processes.

Everything I was doing was normalized and predictable. So why, at this point in my life, was I expecting to see anything outside of normal results? Why was I surprised things weren't more interesting, exciting, or diversified?

I immediately began looking for answers.

Upon reflection, when I look back on why I made decisions at critical junctures and turning points of my life, the truth is they were driven by fear. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of change.

Ultimately, all stemming from a generalized fear of the unknown.

At the time, I never equated this decision-making pattern to fear. I thought of it as risk aversion or effective risk management. There was no way I was going to allow myself to be a failure. I was always proactive and made the conservative choice or "safe play." I used fear as leverage to drive and motivate me. It seemed like a good strategy at the time, and, for the most part, it was effective.

However, when examining things closely and honestly, it wasn't "true" fear driving me. Most of the fears I had were not life or death situations. It was my belief system surrounding the potential by-product of failure that was subconsciously driving the fear.

I believed if I took a chance on failing, particularly later in life when I was older, more successful, and more established, it would surely result in embarrassment and shame.

I wondered how a failure might look. What would others think? How might it affect my career? I didn't know? And I didn't want to find out.

In reality, my fears were not life-threatening. They were reputation threatening.

The fear of failing can be immobilizing. Wondering what others might think can be paralyzing. As a result, we are often persuaded not to attempt anything out of the ordinary. Many people stay on the straight and narrow path and do no more than wonder, "what if?"

As an example, a couple of years ago, a former co-worker of mine was offered an excellent opportunity to take the reins as CEO of a smaller company. He ultimately passed on the opportunity saying, "if I fail, it would be career suicide."

I always contemplated that decision and his rationale. Looking back, I often wonder, even if he wasn't successful, would others have judged him so harshly? Or did he just fear that may be the case? We'll never know, but I'm sure he will always wonder what might have been.

One thing that is for certain; always taking the same route ensures you will always end up at the same destination. You will miss life's hidden paths and the beautiful serendipities that could have arisen from saying "yes" to more and "no" less.

Most people, by middle age, are playing defence rather than offence. They're on a well-worn trail, and it's comfortable.

It's easy to justify this behaviour by believing you are staying conservative, protecting your time, and keeping things stable for loved ones.

This straight and narrow path is the one most people take by default.

The problem is, it can also be referred to as a rut. A rut that many people get stuck in.

Operating out of a rut tempers our dreams, incites indecision, and tempts us to continue down the path of least resistance. It takes a lot of effort to climb out of a rut, especially when it's a comfortable one.

It is important to consider that when people are on their death beds, missed opportunities are one of their major regrets. No one looks back with fond memories of the things they didn't do.

The challenge is, it's just so darn easy to say, "no."

Many well-intentioned self-help gurus further complicate matters by advising you to, "learn how to say no and protect your valuable time." While this can be an effective short-term strategy, it falls apart when examined from a holistic, long-term perspective. When framed against the backdrop of your whole life, saying no too many times will set you up for an unsatisfying life potentially filled with frustration and regret.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, which we will examine shortly, states that everyone is driven down a largely predictable path by an innate desire for growth, self-improvement, and, ultimately, self-actualization.

Navigating this hierarchy's final levels is impossible without saying "yes" to life and taking a chance on new experiences.

I've spoken to many people that claim they are too busy to consider saying yes to anything new. It is tough, particularly for those working full-time jobs coupled with demanding family responsibilities. The vast majority of us lead hectic lives, often doing jobs we aren't fans of to pay for things we don't really like or need. It's a catch 22 of modern-day life.

Of course, time is finite, and we can't do everything. The challenge is to find the right balance, particularly if you want to avoid alarm bells at mid-life and the realization that it's too late at the end of life. The time is now to make some early and proactive modifications to your life's trajectory.

I propose a simple but proven solution based on the premise that action helps create emotion. One of the quickest ways to change how you're feeling is to change what you're doing.

Start by doing something completely outside your comfort zone on a fairly routine basis. There has recently been a self-help movement called "failing-forward" where you cast aside fears and insecurities and choose a direction you would have previously avoided.

To begin, don't start with anything significant like changing careers or marital status.

The concept doesn't have to be taken to extremes to be effective. For example, I don't like heights and will never become a rock climber. Start with something small and simple, like deciding to enroll in a class or learning how to play an instrument and see how it makes you feel and where it may lead.

At the very least, you will have opened some new doors, met some new people, and learned more about yourself in the process. At best, who knows what might materialize?

Reprioritize your life and make some space for new experiences in both your professional and personal life. Apply the principle of embracing uncertainty to all your decision-making processes, and don't fear the outcome.

Remember, failure is an invaluable learning experience and not nearly as reputation threatening as we believe it is. Every time we do something new, even if we're not successful, we can choose to look for the lessons and understand the new place we ended up. Plus, it will always be a place we wouldn't have previously found, which is a win in itself.

We also learn things about ourselves that we would have never uncovered otherwise. Often, valuable insights are discovered after a failure. Accepting and learning from those insights is critical to succeeding and progressing to the next levels in life.

This brings us to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, a motivational theory based on a five-tier model of human needs. The concept is, as you mature and progress through life, you graduate from one tier to the next in an orderly fashion.

I found my mid-life analysis was quite possibly prompted by the chasm I was facing trying to move from stage four to five.

Psychologist Abraham Maslow stated that human motivation is based on people seeking fulfillment through personal growth. The highest tier is self-actualization. This tier can only be attained by people who have reached fulfillment by achieving all they believed they were capable of in their lives.

Sadly, many people never reach this stage. It is almost impossible to get there without actively seeking new experiences, embracing your fear of failure and the unknown, and saying yes to life.

Based on this revelation, I now fully understand what Steve Jobs meant when he stated, "Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. All fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.”

I will readily admit I've not yet reached the self-actualization tier. But, it's encouraging to, at the very least, have a direction and game plan now. Often, all it takes is a plan to change something from overwhelming to manageable.

To quote another titan of tech, Melinda Gates suggests that you have to leave your comfort zone to lead a successful and fulfilling life. "If you stay in your comfort zone, you'll miss out on so many things worth experiencing." and "you need to get comfortable being uncomfortable."

To most people, this advice is counterintuitive and quite the opposite of how they structure their lives. But, at one stage or another, you will realize what Gates is saying is accurate, and to embrace her advice early while you still have sufficient time to make meaningful changes.

Looking back with many regrets on our deathbeds is not the way anybody wants their life to end. So the time is now to start making changes, and the bonus is you just might avoid a mid-life crisis in the process! It's a win-win!

I hope you've found this blog as interesting as I did writing it. Please take the chance to join me in an upcoming installment where we look at strategies to embrace change.

Until then, try something new and feel good about it!